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Sometimes a single word, a simple question, the cheerful tone on the voice of a specific person will trigger a meltdown.
You will try to occupy your mind with something other than the negative thoughts, maybe you will start cleaning the house obcessively. That night, you will cry yourself to sleep and think about mistakes, choices and everything that went wrong. You wonder why and what went wrong. You wonder why your logic failed. You wonder how it all seems like a long, sad, scary dream.
And you can't attribute faults. No one is to blame. And you will think it's you. That you are the one who doesn't know how to become. You can't put the negative thoughts to the side and you will ruminate on everything over and over again.
Wounds that were starting to heal will re-open. And there will be no one to help you but yourself. People will try, they will hold you, they will try to get you to speak to them. Except that you don't want to. Or you do. You're not even sure what you want.
Numbness seems a gift you can't even reach.
You thought it would be easy to go out and try to have some fun. But the noise, the happiness, the people, it's all a bit overwhelming. You take loosing on a child's game as a personal attack. You don't try a certain dish because it's too close to the heart. You get moody and people will think you are too serious about life. Maybe you are. Maybe you're trying not to be. But it's a process. A long process.
There will be moments when you want to give up. It will seem that no meds, no counselling is having an effect. Don't give up. You're young and life we'll certainly get better. Believe.
